Like a true adrenaline junkie, it seems I’m always pushing myself to work harder, do more, be more effective. I hurtle toward the brink of burn out, then violently whip the wheel toward safety seconds before the edge. My luck ran out this week, and I’m officially careening off the cliff.
I suppose I had it coming. No man in his right mind should churn out 80+ hour work weeks for months and not see weird things happen to his psyche, even if they delude themselves into thinking they can handle it. I need sleep, and more than that, rest for my soul.
One of the advantages of burnout is a deep mistrust of everything you thought was true. Am I talented? Do I really want this? Can I really do this? Why does it matter even if I can? My mind spins and sputters late into the evening, the crispness of my imagined future perfections drifting away as I plunge headlong into the night.
It’s good for a man to question. Jesus answered the doubter, and he didn’t just settle for semantics. He made him stick his fingers into reality. Blessed are those that question, for they will be answered. And tonight I’m at the place again where I’m ready to dirty my hands.
I never feel more real than when I’m sleep deprived, half delirious with hunger and fatigue, perched like an old black crow on the vast edge of the Uncomfortable. We spend our lives frantically avoiding this lonely stop, instinctually knowing that we learn the most when we’re dragged here, kicking and screaming, and forced to peer over the edge. When I arrive at this junction of the limits of what I can do and what I can't, it's a bizarrely quieting feeling. I know I've officially hit the edge, and there's nothing to do but relax and wait for Him to move.
Perhaps it’s a fitting punishment that the payment of self-imposed overwork is rarely results, but instead a deep feeling of self-doubt and unfruitfulness. Or perhaps that’s the blessing- finally being forced to admit we accomplish nothing in our own strength.
To that end, I wrote myself to a frenzy over the last few days to get ahead on some extra blogs, and I’ll be scheduling them for the next few weeks so I can sign off and attempt to rest. I probably will over do this one, too. But it’s worth a shot.
Until I sign on again in two weeks, I appreciate you reading. I’m sure as I rest I’ll have a few lucid moments I can jot down, and I’ll be sure to share them with you when I open the browser again, fresh and feeling productive again. As always, thanks for listening.